Slavery’s back, and where else but California—the land of sunshine, tech startups, and, apparently, revisiting history’s worst ideas. It’s as if someone thought, “You know what would really spice up the state known for overpriced coffee and avocado toast? A healthy dose of involuntary servitude.” And just like that, the ghosts of past wars are waking up, eyeing the battleground like it’s some twisted reunion tour.

As for presidents, they’ll get to spend the rest of their days with a personal entourage of bodyguards and a suite of panic rooms, living like a VIP in a dystopian theme park. Nice perk—until you realize it’s less “retirement” and more “forever fugitive.” Worth it? Well, that’s the billion-dollar question now that the country’s being held together with duct tape and good vibes. But hey, it’s too late for second thoughts; that ship’s not only sailed but is halfway to the bottom of the ocean, waving goodbye with a sinking thumbs-up.