First of all, is Elon Musk the Devil? Let’s review the evidence: the man names his rocket “Dragon,” which, let’s be honest, sounds like something a 13-year-old heavy metal fan would choose. Then, I saw on Joe Rogan’s show—so, you know, rock-solid source material—that Elon is some kind of Diablo world champion. Yes, Diablo, which literally means “devil” in Spanish. Coincidence? Maybe. But it’s a little on the nose, isn’t it?

Also, he’s got this cult-leader vibe going: a harem of wives, a small army of kids—22 at last count, or is it 23 now? Who’s keeping track? The point is, if Mars doesn’t pan out, he’s already got enough descendants to start his own species.

And speaking of Mars, let’s get real: nobody is going to Mars. The Bible already shut that idea down. “The earth was given to man,” it says, which means the rest of the universe? That’s God’s no-trespassing zone. So, Elon can keep playing “space cowboy,” but he’s not getting past the pearly gates of the Martian atmosphere. Devil or not, dude’s gonna need a new hobby.