Ah, the Dobbs case—the gift that keeps on giving, eternally trapped in the Supreme Court’s infinite loop of indecision. Since the 1930s, our esteemed judicial minds have been desperately plotting their escape from substantive due process, that pesky doctrine responsible for pesky things like individual rights. Congratulations to Dobbs for finally achieving this noble goal; now the delightful chaos of abortion regulation is conveniently handed off to the whims of state legislatures. What could possibly go wrong?

We’ve come a long way from the lofty ambitions of Roe’s tidy three-trimester framework and Casey’s intricate ballet of “undue burdens” and “viability tests.” Now, thanks to Dobbs, clarity reigns supreme—just kidding, now we have fifty shades of legal chaos.

Let’s reminisce: West Coast Parish (1937) heroically freed the court from the constraints of substantive due process nearly a century ago, only for Roe to ruin everything and drag them back in. Thankfully, Dobbs has triumphantly kicked that outdated idea to the curb again. But fear not, dear reader: given the Court’s predictable unpredictability, substantive due process, Roe, and maybe even Lochnerism will undoubtedly return someday—probably when we least expect it.

Until then, grab some popcorn, folks. Watching state legislatures stumble through abortion law promises to be a captivating show.