Dear Mr. President’s Daily Brief: Your plan to solve immigration hit a slight snag. Turns out 11 million people don’t fit in your private jet. Who knew? Your “Exit Strategy Consultants” have calculated that at current deportation speeds, we’ll be finished right around the heat death of the universe.

Meanwhile, the mob’s travel plans have changed. Instead of them leaving, they’re planning a special tour of your properties. No bookings required! Think of it as a very enthusiastic reverse house-warming party. The Secret Service suggests you might want to pack a light bag – preferably one that matches your running shoes.

And thus begins our national bedtime story: “The Emperor’s New Border Wall.” Spoiler alert: The emperor does a lot more sprinting than ruling. Some say he’s still running today, leaving a trail of spray tan and executive orders in his wake.

Plot twist: Your gold-plated panic room won’t help when the cleaning staff are the ones you’ve been trying to deport. Awkward! Might want to learn how to say “please don’t tell them where I’m hiding” in Spanish.

Remember, Mr. President, when you said you’d make history? Congratulations – you’re about to star in America’s most expensive chase scene.